I sat on a bench outside my old room and stared into the rising sun, its rays burning my eyes but I didn't look away.
My eyes are glued to the beautiful pink and orange color the sky was.
I had never watched it like this.
I never noticed its beauty until this exact moment, I never learned to appreciate things, the minor things in life--
"Here, have this." Mamma interrupted,
She extended a glass of milk to me, I took it from her, tucking my knees on the bench.
"I'm not 12 anymore, mamma."
"Believe me, I know." She sighed, watching me.
"Well, thank you."
She huffed and sat next to me on the bench.
I forced a smile and enjoyed the milk as long as I could, knowing we were about to have that talk. .She's been holding it in for three days, it was going to come out eventually...
As for the pain Luke inflicted on me recently, I'm used to it, it almost feels like nothing.
"Say it.."
"I got you a lawyer, and your divorce papers are ready, you just have to sign."
"I didn't ask for a divorce." I spat.
She gaped at like I had lost my damn mind-
"Are you crazy?!"
"It was my fault this time...I slept with someone, I--" I stopped myself being unable to finish, mamma wasn't surprised or even remotely shocked by the news, almost like it was normal, "Luke and I had this massive fight, we were arguing nonstop, and all day, he said some things that just...he called me a whore, he said I wasn't good for anything, then he just walked out. So I went over to a friends house, I guess I just needed the company, I was so devastated, we talked, had some wine on his rooftop and then it happened--"
"Who's this man?"
"Luke's best friend."
"You had an affair with Luke's best friend?!"
"It was one time, Mamma..it didn't mean anything. Afterward, we agreed it never happened and he stopped showing up, but then...I found out I was pregnant weeks later."
That's when it dawned on Mamma.
"Oh, Lord!"
"I thought I was on the pill, I couldn't have known Luke messed with my bottle, I was so confused, it could have been Luke's but there was no way of knowing until the baby was born, and the race is revealed. I was so afraid Luke was going to kill me and when I lost it, forgive me lord.. I was so relieved. After that I just wanted to run away and start over, that was the night of the shooting."
"And, you've been carrying it this whole time?"
"I wanted to forget it happened."
"How did Luke find out?"
"I don't know." I shook my head, "Luke is smart, he suspected it from the start, he guessed it a few times and I just denied it.."
Mamma gave out a heavy sigh.
"I don't know what to say to that Jane."
I placed the glass away and leaned back on the bench. It felt so good to finally let that out to someone, I didn't even want to admit to myself.
"Nothing justifies him hitting you, there can never be enough excuse for that. You're still going to sign those divorce papers---"
"And then what, lose my kids?"
