A couple of days later, Luke and I had settled back home with the kids, everything was almost back to the way it used to be, the case was ongoing but pending due to lack of facts, same ones in my chest drawer.
"Stop it....Mamma!"
"Joseph, stop hitting your brother--"
I sighed and went up to gather the breakfast plates, we were having breakfast and as usual Luke was pinning me down with his gaze.
"Boys, can you go upstairs and give mamma and I a minute..."
They nodded and ran off together, Luke was watching my every move, like he was studying my every feature. I just ignored him and went to the sink, "I called the agency and asked for someone to help with the boys." Luke said as he approached me at the sink with the dirty cups.
"I already called Maria and she will start tomorrow." I replied.
"I thought you might need someone new, Maria is incompetent."
"Maria is fine." I said and continued wiping the plates, he continued to watch me for a while.
"Curdles." He snarled his arms around me from behind, whispering things I couldn't hear and then shifting my hair to one side, he began peppering kisses on my shoulder and moving up to the length of my neck,
I closed my eyes for a bit before opening them again,
"I can't do this anymore." I whispered, having him sterning and freezing. "It's not worth it." I dropped everything and walked away.
Luke didn't follow immediately, so I hustled and got myself into the bathroom before he would catch on to me. I locked the door and leaned against it for a while, before dragging myself in front of the mirror sink to look at myself,
I stared at me for a while.
I was a shadow of myself, my eyes puffy and swollen from so much thinking, although Luke hasn't laid a finger on since he got out of the hospital, it didn't help with the thoughts, the memories in this house, every corner, every room, every utility, reminded me of the nightmare I live in, and still I struggled to leave it.
"Jane." Luke's voice came from the other side of the door, "Jane, please let me in, let's talk about this..." he said and pounds on the door.
I turned on the shower and moved again to the sink to flash some water on my face. He kept rattling with the door, until I felt him lean against it.
I dried my face and peered at my pale reflection, before leaning down to where I could almost hear his heartbeat,
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"Look, I know I have this madness, this fucking demons inside me... but I'm trying, I'm fighting them every day and I'm going to succeed this time, I'm going to change."
I scoffed in disbelief,
I have heard it all before, "You are never going to change."
"I mean it this time." he said.
"As you meant it the last time and the times before that, it's an endless cycle with you, Luke, it doesn't take long before you return to yourself, I'm tired, I have had enough of your lies and deceits...."
"Can you just help me help myself? I will do whatever it takes, I promise you."
I took a deep breath and don't say anything for a while,
"In sickness and in health, that was our vow. Jane, we took a vow."
"To have and to hold, to respect, to cherish, they were also our vows, Luke." I snarled back at him, "Not smashing my head against the wall, not humiliating me, not cursing me, not doubting me because of some stupid misconception 8 years ago."
"You are not exactly innocent here, Jane. You hit me too."
"Only because you initiated it, only because I wanted to defend myself against my husband, who's been so cruel to me...You hit me so badly that everytime I feel like I'm going to die... It's enough, Luke."
"And, I agree." He said, "but we can mend this together, but for you to all of a sudden decide to leave."
"It's not all of a sudden." I raised my voice, "I should have left you a long time ago, we wouldn't have been in this situation if I did, If I had just walked away, but I kept saying, come on Jane, you can do this, he's going to change, he's a good man, stay for the kids, they need their father..."
"Jane, we are a family, think of what this would do to the kids."
"The kids will be fine, because I have decided to live for them."
"Curdles?" He called desperately.
I got off the floor and climbed into the shower to shed myself off this grief. I couldn't, I just curled to the corner and wept.
Moments later, I heard the door unlock and in seconds, Luke was curling up to me, he held my body in the running shower, whispering.
"I'll get help, I'll go to Rehab, the same one we choose for Joseph or anyone you prefer.." He kissed my side tenderly, "I will do better, I promise you, Jane."
