Only You - [Lip Gallagher]

who to blame?

As I'm sleeping I hear Kev and Lip's voices, they're trying to talk quietly, I still pretend to sleep; "Why would you fuck her again, Lip? I thought you were done." Kev tries so hard not to yell, "I don't know. I am over her, it's just the fact she has a boyfriend now and she really likes him is pissing me off, the satisfaction of still being able to hit that is nice." Lip says, "Dude, everybody in Cook County has hit that, it's not an accomplishment! You had a good girl in Sadie, do you see the way she looks at you? She's so freaking smart, she's always there for you too and not in a creepy way in a nice way." Kev reasons, "I know, I just can't keep a commitment and I told her that, she still chose to stay and I'm sorry but she knew." Lip says, Kev sighs, "You're fucked. Goodnight, kid." Kev says and I hear Lip close the door.

Even Lip knows it's my fault.

I wake up with puffy dry eyes and lashes that feel like I have pounds of mascara on, "Are you alright?" I immediately hear Ethel's voice, I sit up and shrug, "Can I ask you something?" I ask sleepily, she nods and sits next to me, "How did you do it? Like, how did you know Clyde loved you if he had five other wives?" I ask, "Well, because he told me he did and he has no reason to lie, lying is a sin." Ethel says, innocently. "Did he ever make you feel like he loved you? Or did he only say it?" I ask her, "Well, when I got pregnant with my Jonah, I knew he loved me." She gently nudges her baby to me, I shoot her a soft smile, "Thanks." I sniffle and stand up, "Can you tell V and Kev I'm going out? I just need a walk." I ask and she nods, "Have a nice walk." She says and walks into the kitchen.

Once I go outside I see Debbie sitting on the steps, as soon as she sees me she sprints to me, "I was so worried about you." She says muffled into my stomach, "I'm fine, Debs. I just need some time, I'll be around." I say crouching down, becoming eye level with her, "I love you Debs, I'm not leaving, I promise." She hugs me one last time, "Can you come to my slumber party on Saturday?" Debs invites me, I nod, "I'll be there." I smile at her and tap her chin, "Go inside, if Ian asks; I'm okay. If Lip asks; tell him I'm dead." I joke with her and she smiles, "Got it." She runs back into the house and I continue my walk.

++

I've been walking around all day, it's dark now. I finally decided to get my stress out at the softball field. I need a hitting session. I quietly sneak into my garage and grab my bat and my balls and walk to the field. Once I arrive I hear two men groaning, I creep up onto the dugout to see Ian and Mickey. "Guess we're even now." I say behind the wall, "What the fuck." I hear Mickey say and run out, about to hit me, "Oh, shit Mitchell, uh, what did you see?" Mickey is nervous, "Don't worry Mickey, I don't care." I say and sniffle before Ian comes out, "What's wrong with this one?" Mickey asks Ian, referring to me, "Lip cheated on her, again." Ian said and wiped my wet cheeks, "Again? You let it happen more than once? Why didn't you kill him?" Mickey asks, putting a cigarette in his mouth, I shrug, "Thought I could fix him I guess. Sorry to interrupt you two, you guys can get back to it." I say about to go away, "You gonna be alright, Mitchell?" Mickey asks, I turn to face them, continuing to slowly walk away, "I'm good." I shoot them a smile, Ian smiles and waves at me then I turn around and go home, my actual home.

As I'm walking home, an unfamiliar car pulls up next to me, "Hi baby." I hear my sister call to me, "What Jaz? I'm not in the mood." I groan, "I know, get in, we need to talk." She says and stops the car, I hesitate, "Fine." I roll my eyes and get in on her passenger side. "So, what's up with you and this Lip kid?" She asks, driving, "Nothing, he doesn't want me, clearly." I look out of the window, "Sade, boys are stupid, he totally wants you but what person isn't gonna deny having multiple partners, it's fun." Jasmine teases, I glare at her with tears in my eyes, "Oh, you're serious, okay. Um, well, I can tell you one thing, it's not your fault. I've heard you two going to town, I see how you love him, I see how he even looks at you. There is love there, he loves you, don't let him get away." Jasmine lectures, "Jasmine, since March I've tried, he's always picked her." I choke back tears, "Then fuck it, do you-no actually do him, do what he does to you." Jasmine says, I shake my head, "I couldn't ever hurt him the way he hurts me, I love him too much for that." I sniffle and use the back of my arm to wipe my nose and tears, "You're a good kid, sorry I left you." Jasmine pats my thigh, "What?" I look up at her, "I'm sorry we never came back for you, we couldn't financially keep you and we tried to make it seem like your fault and I've regretted it ever since we stepped foot out the door without you." Jasmine begins to tear up, "It's fine, trauma builds character." I mumble, "That's why I found a husband with some money and forced him to move here. I knew you were staying with the Gallaghers and I made sure to befriend Fiona so I could find you. I'd really like for you to move in with me, my kids were so excited to meet their Auntie Sadie. Kevin is coming by tomorrow morning if you want to sleep over tonight?" Jasmine offers, I nod, "Sure." I only am using her so I don't have to go back to my dad's or the Gallaghers. I don't trust her; she hurt me once I know she'll do it again, maybe I should listen to myself more often.